Our Life through Love and Loss..........

So excited about this new blog. Can't wait to start blogging.....































































Monday, November 7, 2011

Kamryn Hope Studdard!

Hello,

Tonight I'm logging in to inform everybody that Kamryn Hope Studdard has re herniated. Kamryn and Brooke were the twins born to Shawn and Stephanie in June 2009. I hate that this has happened, and I just feel so bad for this little girl. I will say that she is doing wonderful and besides a little cough it doesn't seem to bother her. They say she has an upper respiratory infection and that is where the cough is coming from. She has to have the infection gone before they can move on to do surgery. As of right now Stephanie hasn't heard how long the recovery will be. I know that the surgery isn't going to feel good to a little girl that is feeling just fine, and then comes out after being operated on, so please lift her up in your prayers. She has shown us that she is a fighter and I'm sure shes going to come out smiling. The thing i keep thinking about is that she knows what is going on this time, and she feels all the pricks and pokes, and after surgery I'm sure they'll have her on some meds, but I just hate to think of any 2 year old going through surgery like this. The Doctors seem to think once they pull everything down out of her chest, this shouldn't happen again. So I'm praying for an easy recovery and as little pain as possible for this innocent little baby. Surgery is set for Wednesday of this week. Lets all remember to pray extra hard for her on this day. We love you Kamryn Hope!

Hollie and Brooke are both doing great, and I'm sure Hollie is worried about her sister so lets not forget to pray for her too. As well as Stephanie and Shawn. We are looking forward to great updates from them :)

Sunday, October 30, 2011

NO updates for more then 6 months! Sorry!

First off, Im sorry for missing for so long. We are all doing very well, and Ty is getting so big. He's no longer a baby, in any way! Starting school, has made him grow up.

Here is a halloween Picture of Ty the pirate, and me..The mom..lol


Thursday, April 28, 2011

Happy Easter!

Hope everyone had a wonderful Easter.

Grady would have been one a couple weeks ago, we were ok on this day. Just very upset that we never got to know his soul. We held a lifeless baby boy and had had such high hopes for him. After Jackson leaving us, then Grady being born still, it was alot to take in. May the Lord have more passion on us this year.

I am also blessed to have Ty still here with us! Thank you Lord for your many many blessings and thank you God for sending your son to the cross to die for our sins.




Thursday, March 31, 2011

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

ITs tough

I came on here to post a little bit of my scattered thoughts and feelings. Rob and I just had a talk about having another baby. I said I'm finally at a point where I'm ok with not having another baby. Yes it hurts, and ill always feel like a failure i suppose, and ill always somewhere down deep want another child with rob. Saying all of that, I'm not going to be depressed about never having a baby again. I use to get so depressed thinking about that. I'm totally ok with not even ever trying again. It sucks big time, but its life, and its one of the tough things on my journey here on earth. Rob doesn't understand this. He keeps telling me that we are trying in another 6 months and that he really really wants to have a child here on earth. I understand why he wants this, but i also think he should consider that I'm the one having all these babies and its very hard on my heart as well as my body and mind. He just really believes that next time will be the "one". I told him nothing will bring our children back and Jackson can not ever be replaced, and its still so sad to us that we were never given the opportunity to know Grady. I'M sorry I'm on here talking about my husband and all of this, but I honestly have nobody to talk to. I have so many friends but i wouldn't know where to start when talking about this. I can blog anything! I cant talk about most things. Kind of strange I know, but that's why I'm here. I hate that I'm mad at him, because hes one of the best men Ive ever met rather he was my husband or not. I just really think that he needs to think a little more about what hes asking me to do. My heart is already broken to the point of no return, and Lord i just dont want to endure anymore. I'm doing ok and we have a wonderful blessed life. I just have so much pain along with the happiness.I know time is suppose to heal our hearts and perhaps it will one day, but i dont think as a mother or a father that has lost a living child that time will actually heal us to the point of just a distant memory. I don't even want that healing to be honest. It makes me sad to think that I would ever feel that way towards my babies. I remember the first night i fell asleep without thinking about Jackson all the way to sleep and when i woke up the next morning i cried and cried and cried. I felt so horrible for not thinking of him as i fell asleep, it should still just come without me knowing right?. I still think about him every single day, i just dnt let myself get in deep thought very often because if that ever happens i always have the worst day and can almost not cope at all. Its very tough. SO i stay away from deep thinking. A couple times a month i want to really just think about him and everything we did while he was here, and i do, and I'm a crying mess that day. I think those days are good for me though.

Tonight is one of those deep thinking nights and the hurt is a kind of hurt that is just unexplainable, that's really all i can say. I know mothers out there that have lost and that are reading this know what I'm talking about. I would never wish the pain on any of you others! I'm so glad i have so many friends here and that Ive met through CDH blogs, its a nice feeling. I will leave with one question......Should I see more of where Rob is coming from, and trust in the Lord and try once more? I really don't want to put myself through anything anymore.

Here is the picture that was on our Christmas Cards....Jackson blanket....Never will we forget...never never!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

VACATION and pictures!

What an amazing place the Dominican Republic is! Oh how beautiful it was, and how nice the weather was day and night. We stayed in Punta Cana, and our resort was amazing! We had 13 restaurants to pick from and 7 bars. We also got to enjoy 5 huge pools, and i mean enormous. Most places you look to vacation at have beautiful pictures, just as this place did. We thought the pictures would be nicer then it really was, but NO it was really nicer then pictures. The food was great, the rooms were immaculate, the pools and beach were the cleanest ones i had ever seen, we had our own vacation guid "boy" to take us to dinner and lunch every day. They also had 2 huge buffets for all meals. We became so spoiled! We already want to go back, and are planning our next trip...lol. All this being said, I think you all get the point, and that we LOVED our vacation. One more thing, this part of the ocean had the water to where you could see all the way to the bottom, so amazing.

There were so many things to do there. Most of the time we just relaxed at the swim up bars, but we did a full day of laying out at the beach and burned. We went on the beach everyday, but only layed out there one day, because the sun there is so strong. We went parasailing together and that was beautiful. We painted alot of things at a booth they had on the resort. We also bought 36 dollar sunblock, ewwww, i know but had to. I had to start telling these nice people to please start putting some coke in my rum.....We did all inclusive and figured they would hold back on that but no, they were way too strong. One more thing, if any of you friends haven't ever had a dirty monkey, next time your on vacation ask for one! The best drinks in the world! They probably have the most calories as well..lol....Now i will post some pictures.












Monday, February 21, 2011

Its about time

Im ready to Go on VACATION! I dnt know if anybody even reads my blogs anymore, but I still like to write. Its like a book of my life?> I have alot to talk about on things that im doing and this blog will help me keep up...and when i look back at my life i can have dates and all.

We are going to the Dominican Republic punta cana tropical private resort in 2 weeks! We havent been on a vacation since we've been togwther, so its a much needed one. Time to get a tan, relax and get our drink on. Ty will be staying with his aunt and uncle and is on spring break during that week as well.


Hope you all are having just a wonderful winter.



Heres a picture out of the back door of our room we will be in.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

puppy!

Just figured I should share our new family member, Mr. George Strait. Yes my son Ty named him George Strait, even tho I tried to change it. Ty Loves George and george loves Ty. They are like two brothers and it is just so sweet to watch. Ty crawls around like a dog and plays with George every second he has home. George has taken to Ty like crazy as well. Ty actually picked him up and said awwww my first born puppy. lol!!! That was after 2 days with him.

I realized after having the dog for a little over a week that Ty has needed this, and that I should have done this for him right after we all lost Jackson. Ty has been hurting from the loss of Jackson alot more lately and this is why i got the dog. I didnt think it was going to be this great for him though. It has given Ty so much joy. Even if he hadnt of lost brothers this last year just being the only child he needed something like this.

We had to get a dog that didnt shed and was known to be smart and easy to train. Robs allergic so thats why we wanted one that didnt shed, and i dnt want hair all over the house! I also hate to train dogs so wanted a smart one...lol......He has been a very smart dog and is already trained after a week. So here are the pictures!






Monday, January 17, 2011

turning my sad morning into a positive

One day we will see God face to face and we will ask why, but until then I will hold my head up high and be happy for the time, and not sad for whats no longer mine.

I just was writing down my sad thoughts and this came to mind. I just kinda made it up but its true and on my hard days I need to remember to be happy for the time that I had with Jackson. We will see him again, its not a maybe kind of thing, it will happen. So until then I need to look at the best of what has happened to me and my family. We are very blessed.

Have a great new year everybody!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Memory

Just thought I would share a quick memory of mine after I had Jackson.

I was in recovery getting blood transfusions due to losing too much blood after having Jackson Mac. My dad finally got to come back to see me. I knew that they had taken jackson down the hall which my family was standing in waiting to see him on his way to the NICU. Since i had a csection i hadn't got to see him yet. So anyways my dad gets back there to me and i ask him "how is Jackson?" He stands there and looks up at the ceiling trying not to cry (you have to understand that my dad never ever crys and i have never seen him cry) and says "how are you candice" I again say " dad please tell me how Jackson is" He looks back up with tears in his eyes and rubs his chin and mouth and then looks back down at me while his tears stream off of his face and says " candice he is perfect" He then turns all the way around with his back towards me and i guess cried for a second. When he faced me again I asked him if he had talked to the drs and he just told me that nobody was saying anything yet,but that they rushed Jackson down the hall pretty fast to start working on him. Dad was scared. He Kissed me on the head and said 'you have a lot of family waiting to come back here ( you can only go one at a time) to see you so Im going to go and let one come back now. I shouted the best i could as he walked away "please go see what the drs are saying and please let me know." He did better then that. A few minutes went by and the whole team of drs came back and told me how Jackson was doing and how they thought he was going to need the ecmo pretty soon but would wait a few more hours just to make sure. They came back in there 4 hours later and took me to see him in the nicu with rob. He was still wide awake. They said he hadnt been asleep since he was born. He just kept locking his eyes on Rob and squeezing our hands. I loved him so very much after that. He kept reaching for rob. He would put his little arms up so high reaching towards robs voice at only a few hours old. He loved daddy's voice and touch.

That was just a memory that had been on my mind this morning and it has been bringing tears to my eyes all morning as well, so i figured i would write about it.


I LOVE YOU JACKSON BEAL! THE HURT IS SOO HARD AND BAD AT TIMES BUT WHERE I USE TO CRY FOR YOU AND THE THINGS YOU WERE HAVING TO GO THRU, NOW IM JUST CRYING FOR ME. I cry when i think about all you had to go thru and how unfair it all was and i cry when i miss you so horribly bad. I also cry when i think about what you could be now. Its all selfish i suppose but its all because i loved you, and still do love you more then my own life.