Our Life through Love and Loss..........

So excited about this new blog. Can't wait to start blogging.....

Sunday, January 2, 2011


Just thought I would share a quick memory of mine after I had Jackson.

I was in recovery getting blood transfusions due to losing too much blood after having Jackson Mac. My dad finally got to come back to see me. I knew that they had taken jackson down the hall which my family was standing in waiting to see him on his way to the NICU. Since i had a csection i hadn't got to see him yet. So anyways my dad gets back there to me and i ask him "how is Jackson?" He stands there and looks up at the ceiling trying not to cry (you have to understand that my dad never ever crys and i have never seen him cry) and says "how are you candice" I again say " dad please tell me how Jackson is" He looks back up with tears in his eyes and rubs his chin and mouth and then looks back down at me while his tears stream off of his face and says " candice he is perfect" He then turns all the way around with his back towards me and i guess cried for a second. When he faced me again I asked him if he had talked to the drs and he just told me that nobody was saying anything yet,but that they rushed Jackson down the hall pretty fast to start working on him. Dad was scared. He Kissed me on the head and said 'you have a lot of family waiting to come back here ( you can only go one at a time) to see you so Im going to go and let one come back now. I shouted the best i could as he walked away "please go see what the drs are saying and please let me know." He did better then that. A few minutes went by and the whole team of drs came back and told me how Jackson was doing and how they thought he was going to need the ecmo pretty soon but would wait a few more hours just to make sure. They came back in there 4 hours later and took me to see him in the nicu with rob. He was still wide awake. They said he hadnt been asleep since he was born. He just kept locking his eyes on Rob and squeezing our hands. I loved him so very much after that. He kept reaching for rob. He would put his little arms up so high reaching towards robs voice at only a few hours old. He loved daddy's voice and touch.

That was just a memory that had been on my mind this morning and it has been bringing tears to my eyes all morning as well, so i figured i would write about it.

I LOVE YOU JACKSON BEAL! THE HURT IS SOO HARD AND BAD AT TIMES BUT WHERE I USE TO CRY FOR YOU AND THE THINGS YOU WERE HAVING TO GO THRU, NOW IM JUST CRYING FOR ME. I cry when i think about all you had to go thru and how unfair it all was and i cry when i miss you so horribly bad. I also cry when i think about what you could be now. Its all selfish i suppose but its all because i loved you, and still do love you more then my own life.


  1. Im so sorry you are hurting. sometimes it is great to share your thoughts in writing. Thanks for sharing with us!! I cant imagine the pain (((((hugs)))))

  2. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling right now. I was thinking a few days after you left our house, how you and all the other moms who have lost their sweet angels, must think and wonder why the world isn't stopping. I know that's what I would be thinking. These memories will never fade, b/c your heart is so big. Stay strong sweetie!