I came on here to post a little bit of my scattered thoughts and feelings. Rob and I just had a talk about having another baby. I said I'm finally at a point where I'm ok with not having another baby. Yes it hurts, and ill always feel like a failure i suppose, and ill always somewhere down deep want another child with rob. Saying all of that, I'm not going to be depressed about never having a baby again. I use to get so depressed thinking about that. I'm totally ok with not even ever trying again. It sucks big time, but its life, and its one of the tough things on my journey here on earth. Rob doesn't understand this. He keeps telling me that we are trying in another 6 months and that he really really wants to have a child here on earth. I understand why he wants this, but i also think he should consider that I'm the one having all these babies and its very hard on my heart as well as my body and mind. He just really believes that next time will be the "one". I told him nothing will bring our children back and Jackson can not ever be replaced, and its still so sad to us that we were never given the opportunity to know Grady. I'M sorry I'm on here talking about my husband and all of this, but I honestly have nobody to talk to. I have so many friends but i wouldn't know where to start when talking about this. I can blog anything! I cant talk about most things. Kind of strange I know, but that's why I'm here. I hate that I'm mad at him, because hes one of the best men Ive ever met rather he was my husband or not. I just really think that he needs to think a little more about what hes asking me to do. My heart is already broken to the point of no return, and Lord i just dont want to endure anymore. I'm doing ok and we have a wonderful blessed life. I just have so much pain along with the happiness.I know time is suppose to heal our hearts and perhaps it will one day, but i dont think as a mother or a father that has lost a living child that time will actually heal us to the point of just a distant memory. I don't even want that healing to be honest. It makes me sad to think that I would ever feel that way towards my babies. I remember the first night i fell asleep without thinking about Jackson all the way to sleep and when i woke up the next morning i cried and cried and cried. I felt so horrible for not thinking of him as i fell asleep, it should still just come without me knowing right?. I still think about him every single day, i just dnt let myself get in deep thought very often because if that ever happens i always have the worst day and can almost not cope at all. Its very tough. SO i stay away from deep thinking. A couple times a month i want to really just think about him and everything we did while he was here, and i do, and I'm a crying mess that day. I think those days are good for me though.
Tonight is one of those deep thinking nights and the hurt is a kind of hurt that is just unexplainable, that's really all i can say. I know mothers out there that have lost and that are reading this know what I'm talking about. I would never wish the pain on any of you others! I'm so glad i have so many friends here and that Ive met through CDH blogs, its a nice feeling. I will leave with one question......Should I see more of where Rob is coming from, and trust in the Lord and try once more? I really don't want to put myself through anything anymore.
Here is the picture that was on our Christmas Cards....Jackson blanket....Never will we forget...never never!
I love the picture =) Candice- there is not right decision, and all these thoughts you are feeling are ok and normal. I'll never know that feeling, but just with Camden almost dying so many times, Id feel those ways. Like him in the NICU and me finding myself thinking of something else for a minute, thinking "how dare I!" which is so silly. You are ok not thinking until you fall asleep...you arent forgetting him as a far away memory, but although time doesnt take that deep hurt away, it is supposed to help. To a certain extent...not heal that stabbing pain that I knwo you have. As for another baby, I see both sides. I would not want to go thru that again like you have had to do, but then I see the what ifs like Rob hopes for. Medically speaking, what do drs say about another pregnancy? Is it worth a risk to you? THen on the other hand, what if this is "it" like Rob says. So difficult for you! ((hugs)) I feel like it is easy to express feelings w other CDH moms too. I have close friends but it is so hard to bring them into that world. I have been blessed with a few, and my mom who have really tried to give it their all though. Us CDH moms just have that connection. Us with survivors with severe med issues can relate to one another, and even us with survivors remember those difficult days in the NICU and we have such a hurt for those who have loss. Sorry to go on and on...my heart is just aching for you. And you said you had no one to talk with. ;o)
ReplyDeleteIm going to go find you on FB too. Hugs, and hope your day gets happier today!! Devon