Supporting CDH Awareness Day

Sporting our turquoise. Supporting CDH Awareness Day.

ITs tough

I came on here to post a little bit of my scattered thoughts and feelings. Rob and I just had a talk about having another baby. I said I'm finally at a point where I'm ok with not having another baby. Yes it hurts, and ill always feel like a failure i suppose, and ill always somewhere down deep want another child with rob. Saying all of that, I'm not going to be depressed about never having a baby again. I use to get so depressed thinking about that. I'm totally ok with not even ever trying again. It sucks big time, but its life, and its one of the tough things on my journey here on earth. Rob doesn't understand this. He keeps telling me that we are trying in another 6 months and that he really really wants to have a child here on earth. I understand why he wants this, but i also think he should consider that I'm the one having all these babies and its very hard on my heart as well as my body and mind. He just really believes that next time will be the "one". I told him nothing will bring our children back and Jackson can not ever be replaced, and its still so sad to us that we were never given the opportunity to know Grady. I'M sorry I'm on here talking about my husband and all of this, but I honestly have nobody to talk to. I have so many friends but i wouldn't know where to start when talking about this. I can blog anything! I cant talk about most things. Kind of strange I know, but that's why I'm here. I hate that I'm mad at him, because hes one of the best men Ive ever met rather he was my husband or not. I just really think that he needs to think a little more about what hes asking me to do. My heart is already broken to the point of no return, and Lord i just dont want to endure anymore. I'm doing ok and we have a wonderful blessed life. I just have so much pain along with the happiness.I know time is suppose to heal our hearts and perhaps it will one day, but i dont think as a mother or a father that has lost a living child that time will actually heal us to the point of just a distant memory. I don't even want that healing to be honest. It makes me sad to think that I would ever feel that way towards my babies. I remember the first night i fell asleep without thinking about Jackson all the way to sleep and when i woke up the next morning i cried and cried and cried. I felt so horrible for not thinking of him as i fell asleep, it should still just come without me knowing right?. I still think about him every single day, i just dnt let myself get in deep thought very often because if that ever happens i always have the worst day and can almost not cope at all. Its very tough. SO i stay away from deep thinking. A couple times a month i want to really just think about him and everything we did while he was here, and i do, and I'm a crying mess that day. I think those days are good for me though.

Tonight is one of those deep thinking nights and the hurt is a kind of hurt that is just unexplainable, that's really all i can say. I know mothers out there that have lost and that are reading this know what I'm talking about. I would never wish the pain on any of you others! I'm so glad i have so many friends here and that Ive met through CDH blogs, its a nice feeling. I will leave with one question......Should I see more of where Rob is coming from, and trust in the Lord and try once more? I really don't want to put myself through anything anymore.

Here is the picture that was on our Christmas Cards....Jackson blanket....Never will we forget...never never!

VACATION and pictures!

What an amazing place the Dominican Republic is! Oh how beautiful it was, and how nice the weather was day and night. We stayed in Punta Cana, and our resort was amazing! We had 13 restaurants to pick from and 7 bars. We also got to enjoy 5 huge pools, and i mean enormous. Most places you look to vacation at have beautiful pictures, just as this place did. We thought the pictures would be nicer then it really was, but NO it was really nicer then pictures. The food was great, the rooms were immaculate, the pools and beach were the cleanest ones i had ever seen, we had our own vacation guid "boy" to take us to dinner and lunch every day. They also had 2 huge buffets for all meals. We became so spoiled! We already want to go back, and are planning our next trip...lol. All this being said, I think you all get the point, and that we LOVED our vacation. One more thing, this part of the ocean had the water to where you could see all the way to the bottom, so amazing.

There were so many things to do there. Most of the time we just relaxed at the swim up bars, but we did a full day of laying out at the beach and burned. We went on the beach everyday, but only layed out there one day, because the sun there is so strong. We went parasailing together and that was beautiful. We painted alot of things at a booth they had on the resort. We also bought 36 dollar sunblock, ewwww, i know but had to. I had to start telling these nice people to please start putting some coke in my rum.....We did all inclusive and figured they would hold back on that but no, they were way too strong. One more thing, if any of you friends haven't ever had a dirty monkey, next time your on vacation ask for one! The best drinks in the world! They probably have the most calories as well..lol....Now i will post some pictures.