Our Life through Love and Loss..........

So excited about this new blog. Can't wait to start blogging.....































































Saturday, April 17, 2010

Life

I dnt even know where to start. I went to the doctor Monday for my 5 month check up, and the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. So He quickly did a sono and the baby wouldn't move. He thought he might have a saw a very slow heartbeat but wasn't sure. He sent me to my specialist across town in Abilene. I had taken my little boy Ty to get to see his little brother on the screen that day. Ty just kept asking "whats wrong with the baby momma?" When the doctor walked out I cried and cried and cried! Not again! I called Rob and i think he was in shock when i told him. The doctor still hadn't confirmed that the baby was dead so I think Rob had a little hope and told me to hurry and get to the specialist. I knew the baby wasn't ok, i had seen many of sonograms before. Poor little Ty hated seeing his momma crying like i was. I tried so hard to be strong for him, but it was so terribly hard. Ty was telling me to suck it up that bad things happen and we have to be ok and not just be little babies...that kind of made me laugh during this unbelievably hard time. I drove to a target near by and sat in the parking lot waiting on Rob to get to Abilene, it's about an hour and 15 min drive from where we live. I called a few family members and had them pass on the awful news, then cried my eyes out for an hour. I knew i was going to be away from ty for a few days if i had to give birth, so i took him in target and got him a few toys. I told him what was happening and that we would be ok but it's going to be hard and that i loved him. Then he said the worst thing in the world to me. " Momma it's all my fault, i told God to give you a baby, and he did. I told him to give you a baby every night, it's all my fault that our baby died" What do you say to that?! I let him know that it wasn't his fault. It upset me so bad that God did this to us! Rob and i can handle this if we have to but not my baby boy! Why the hell was this happening? Ty didn't and doesn't understand why God couldn't heal any of our babies. So anyways Rob finally got there and we went to the specialist together. Doctor Maberry confirmed that the baby had died. We had to hold it together for Ty. Rob was holding ty in his lab as i was laying on the table. I cried a little but held it in pretty well. I think that was due to the fact i had already been crying for 2 hours. There were no defects of any kind and the baby looked good, his heart had just stopped. They couldn't tell us why or how. I need to make this a little shorter so ill skip alot....We went back to my doctors office and had a Japanese tee weed inserted in my uterus and were sent to the hotel with pain meds and sleeping pills. By 6 am the next morning i was in the hospital with my labor being induced. I didn't know what to expect. My dad had taken ty home with him. My contractions started hurting really fast! within like 30 Min's! I was trying to be strong and not tell anybody though. Just because i knew contractions dnt start hurting that early in labor. Come to find out whatever weed thing they gave me the night before brings hard contractions on very fast. after about 2 hours i asked for meds and they gave me some stuff that got me pretty dang high but it didn't help with the dang contractions! They kept asking me to get an epadoral but i didn't want one. I could tell the labor was going way to fast and i didn't want to deal with it. Rob went outside to smoke and i so bad wanted to tell him to stay in the room bc i knew the baby was coming, but then again i wasn't sure it was just to soon,8:15. As soon as he walked back into the room i was in some major pain and my water broke. My water has never broke on it's own, so i didn't know if i pissed myself or it was my water, but i yelled my water just broke go get the nurse. Our moms left the room and the nurse came in and said it's time. I was in so much pain i didn't realize how awful it was going to be. Doctor came in and i pushed for a min and the baby was born. the doctor was really just pulling him out and pushing on my stomach and that freaking hurt! Rob was holding my hand the whole time, while i was screaming and crying like a dang baby. I will say the part when the baby actually came out wasn't as painful as the normal but the pushing and contractions were just as painful. The baby came out in the sack and all! they cut the sack and let me hold him. It was very weird i didn't know how to act or feel. It was so sad though. I didn't even get a chance to know him or love him like i should. he had my feet and hands for sure! We named him Grady Robert Beal. Lots more to update but now I'm crying like a baby....pretty much i lost to much blood they took me in for surgery to stop everything and i got real bad after surgery and stayed in recovery for 6 hours. They say i could have died and i was on the edge of alot of things, but they sure didn't tell me that when i was in there! I guess they didn't want to scare me. I had to stay in the hospital for 2 days because of everything. We are heart broken. I mean it would be one thing if this had just happened, but we just went through losing a precsious baby boy 8 months ago. We had to watch him fight, suffer, and we grew to love him so much and then we lost him. So when we got pregnant this time by total surprise we were still grieving Jackson. I was scared to death and prayed for this new joy everyday! Everyone was so happy for us. I feared this pregnancy the whole time but deep down knew that he would be ok and i would have a healthy baby just like the doctors were saying. I had so many people tell me everything was going to be ok and that it's very rare that something was going to happen to this baby after losing Jackson. It's just so unfair, i just dnt understand God! I'm not doing very well this time and need plenty of prayers. although i dnt think prayers help. I prayed everyday and look what happened again!!!!! This is just so horrible and i dnt know how I'll get through it, but i have to for my child.........So much for a better journey on this new blog. All Rob and i want is a baby together but it's not going to happen. I'm getting my tubes tied May 11th.....we can't take anymore pain. we just can't. My uterus is also very damaged, so it would be hard to hold a baby the full nine months...........I feel like the world is just falling down on us and God hates me. I know he doesn't but really how much can a person take?.......

13 comments:

  1. Candice, I have never met you. I have followed your blog through Jackson. My daughter too has CDH. So I know that pain. She is a survivor. I am so pained for your pain. No one deserves to feel this way. I wish that there was something that we could do, say, or help to just plain old help. i will pray for you. I will pray for your family. I can only pray for your healing. Hugs Bobbi Taylor

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  3. Candice....my heart just aches for you. I followed Jackson and have been reading your updates. I too lost my child to CDH but would never say that I understand what you went through because our journies are all unique. No one on earth has the answers to why Grady couldn't stay here with you, Rob, and Ty but know that no matter how mad, angry, or upset you get at God. He will not leave you. He will be with you through all of this. He doesn't make these bad things happen to us. He hears every prayer said and kept silent. Pray that he holds you and lifts you up during this time of grief. I pray that you are able to see the sunshine again and that with each day the pain lessens but the memories of the short time you had with Grady stay with you.

    Know that all of us are here for you and praying for you. You are not alone!

    (((HUGS))) and love from The Miles Family

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  4. I can't believe how unfair life can be. When I read of your pregnancy I was so happy for you; reading this post and what you are going through is so tragic. Losing Jackson has to be unbelievably difficult and now to lose Grady and to know you won't be able to have another child is too much for any mother (family) to deal with. My heart aches for you.
    You have two precious souls in heaven looking down on you! I am praying for you Candice. May the love of God and your family comfort you and help you heal during this very difficult loss.

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  5. I am so sorry! I have you guys in my thoughts and prayers always! I cannot even imagine the pain that you are going through right now. Please know that if you need anything, I am just a phone call or email away. Many hugs!

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  6. I have been following your blog for awhile now through Jackson. My heart is breaking for you. I am so so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers. You are so strong. I will be praying everyday for your family.

    Kara

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  7. I know I have already commented, but you have been on my heart and mind this week. Just know you are in my prayers and that I am so sorry for all you have been through. My heart has just been breaking for you and your family.

    Kara

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  8. i've followed your journey for some time now and although you don't know me, know that complete strangers are lifting you guys up in prayer. i really do not understand God at all but i know He has a plan. i'm bawling my eyes out right now. i have no clue how you feel and wouldn't even pretend that i do but my heart breaks for your family. i hope that God can begin to restore you, your husband and your son and my family will continue to pray for yours. again, i'm so sorry for your losses. it is so very unfair.

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  9. Thank you all so much! It means alot to me to read your comments and to know that you all care and pray for us......we love you all for that! I too, pray that things get better....For all i can have now is faith. If i had no faith i couldn't go on. I have to have faith, no matter how hard!

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  10. Still praying and thinking of you!!
    Kara

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  11. We are praying for you. I am sorry you are going through this.

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  12. It is hard...and I won't say I know how you feel...but God is good...remember that and He will take you through this... This is His plan...and even though we don't understand doesn't mean God doesn't love us!

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  13. Candice, I've followed your blog(s) since before Jackson was born last summer-I am a friend of Kamryn's mom, Stephanie. I knew you were expecting again, and asked her about you last week (as I occasionally do). She filled me in-I just can't believe this! I've tried to comment before, but I can NOT find the words. I have been praying for you for a long time, and I obviously will continue to pray for ALL of you. I sit here motionless, trying to find the right words type. Of course you don't know me, but I feel such love and compassion in my heart for you-as a fellow mommy. Is that weird? :) I just so wish I could find words that can comfort you. The only thing I can offer is that God does NOT hate you-He loves you and me more than any of us will ever know, more than we could ever deserve, and I hope that in these darkest of days, He will become your source of hope when you can't seem to find it anywhere else. Sweet Candice, I am praying that you will be blessed every where you turn. Thank you so much for being so willing to share your heartaches so publicly!

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