Life

I dnt even know where to start. I went to the doctor Monday for my 5 month check up, and the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. So He quickly did a sono and the baby wouldn't move. He thought he might have a saw a very slow heartbeat but wasn't sure. He sent me to my specialist across town in Abilene. I had taken my little boy Ty to get to see his little brother on the screen that day. Ty just kept asking "whats wrong with the baby momma?" When the doctor walked out I cried and cried and cried! Not again! I called Rob and i think he was in shock when i told him. The doctor still hadn't confirmed that the baby was dead so I think Rob had a little hope and told me to hurry and get to the specialist. I knew the baby wasn't ok, i had seen many of sonograms before. Poor little Ty hated seeing his momma crying like i was. I tried so hard to be strong for him, but it was so terribly hard. Ty was telling me to suck it up that bad things happen and we have to be ok and not just be little babies...that kind of made me laugh during this unbelievably hard time. I drove to a target near by and sat in the parking lot waiting on Rob to get to Abilene, it's about an hour and 15 min drive from where we live. I called a few family members and had them pass on the awful news, then cried my eyes out for an hour. I knew i was going to be away from ty for a few days if i had to give birth, so i took him in target and got him a few toys. I told him what was happening and that we would be ok but it's going to be hard and that i loved him. Then he said the worst thing in the world to me. " Momma it's all my fault, i told God to give you a baby, and he did. I told him to give you a baby every night, it's all my fault that our baby died" What do you say to that?! I let him know that it wasn't his fault. It upset me so bad that God did this to us! Rob and i can handle this if we have to but not my baby boy! Why the hell was this happening? Ty didn't and doesn't understand why God couldn't heal any of our babies. So anyways Rob finally got there and we went to the specialist together. Doctor Maberry confirmed that the baby had died. We had to hold it together for Ty. Rob was holding ty in his lab as i was laying on the table. I cried a little but held it in pretty well. I think that was due to the fact i had already been crying for 2 hours. There were no defects of any kind and the baby looked good, his heart had just stopped. They couldn't tell us why or how. I need to make this a little shorter so ill skip alot....We went back to my doctors office and had a Japanese tee weed inserted in my uterus and were sent to the hotel with pain meds and sleeping pills. By 6 am the next morning i was in the hospital with my labor being induced. I didn't know what to expect. My dad had taken ty home with him. My contractions started hurting really fast! within like 30 Min's! I was trying to be strong and not tell anybody though. Just because i knew contractions dnt start hurting that early in labor. Come to find out whatever weed thing they gave me the night before brings hard contractions on very fast. after about 2 hours i asked for meds and they gave me some stuff that got me pretty dang high but it didn't help with the dang contractions! They kept asking me to get an epadoral but i didn't want one. I could tell the labor was going way to fast and i didn't want to deal with it. Rob went outside to smoke and i so bad wanted to tell him to stay in the room bc i knew the baby was coming, but then again i wasn't sure it was just to soon,8:15. As soon as he walked back into the room i was in some major pain and my water broke. My water has never broke on it's own, so i didn't know if i pissed myself or it was my water, but i yelled my water just broke go get the nurse. Our moms left the room and the nurse came in and said it's time. I was in so much pain i didn't realize how awful it was going to be. Doctor came in and i pushed for a min and the baby was born. the doctor was really just pulling him out and pushing on my stomach and that freaking hurt! Rob was holding my hand the whole time, while i was screaming and crying like a dang baby. I will say the part when the baby actually came out wasn't as painful as the normal but the pushing and contractions were just as painful. The baby came out in the sack and all! they cut the sack and let me hold him. It was very weird i didn't know how to act or feel. It was so sad though. I didn't even get a chance to know him or love him like i should. he had my feet and hands for sure! We named him Grady Robert Beal. Lots more to update but now I'm crying like a baby....pretty much i lost to much blood they took me in for surgery to stop everything and i got real bad after surgery and stayed in recovery for 6 hours. They say i could have died and i was on the edge of alot of things, but they sure didn't tell me that when i was in there! I guess they didn't want to scare me. I had to stay in the hospital for 2 days because of everything. We are heart broken. I mean it would be one thing if this had just happened, but we just went through losing a precsious baby boy 8 months ago. We had to watch him fight, suffer, and we grew to love him so much and then we lost him. So when we got pregnant this time by total surprise we were still grieving Jackson. I was scared to death and prayed for this new joy everyday! Everyone was so happy for us. I feared this pregnancy the whole time but deep down knew that he would be ok and i would have a healthy baby just like the doctors were saying. I had so many people tell me everything was going to be ok and that it's very rare that something was going to happen to this baby after losing Jackson. It's just so unfair, i just dnt understand God! I'm not doing very well this time and need plenty of prayers. although i dnt think prayers help. I prayed everyday and look what happened again!!!!! This is just so horrible and i dnt know how I'll get through it, but i have to for my child.........So much for a better journey on this new blog. All Rob and i want is a baby together but it's not going to happen. I'm getting my tubes tied May 11th.....we can't take anymore pain. we just can't. My uterus is also very damaged, so it would be hard to hold a baby the full nine months...........I feel like the world is just falling down on us and God hates me. I know he doesn't but really how much can a person take?.......