SORRY

Well I cant figure out whats wrong with my blog. Ive tried to fix it as well as others. I'm sorry all of your comments aren't showing. I"m really getting upset about it! I mean, I dnt blog to myself, I like to see that people are reading it. I'm going to have it looked at soon......can't Wait til this problem is fixed! Love you all, and thanks for the support you all give us......it really helps us.

Brownwood Reunion

Every year our home town has a reunion, with great concerts at night, and all kinds of stuff to do during the day. It's pretty cool. There is just so much to do, buy, and spend money on! It takes over our whole down town area. We just love going to this event every year. This year the theme was a circus, ya was a little different I thought. Rob and I went to one of the concerts last night, it was really good, country music. Today I took Ty Allan to do all the fun activities they offer, and we had a blast together, while daddy stayed home watching football and resting before yet another big sale at his dealership. He loves being the sales manager, but I hate the hours. Anyways Ty got to ride a pony, swim in a pool of corn, jump on huge jumpers and slides, pet and fed the animals, got to ride on the train, go to a christen concert, play with the clowns, watching the awesome dog show was a blast, and i could go on and on and on...lol. He also ate Snow cones, ice cream, cokes, and whatever other bad things there are for you. I bought a really pretty bracelet, that i might show you all, on here. I also had Ty's fall picture made by a lady that had a Boothe and some awesome decorations for fall in it. I'm excited about getting them back. The best part of the day for Ty and me, had to be when he was asked to join the circus! Yes he joined, lol. It was for kids and so cute. He was Ty the Lion, and he got to get on stage and show his tricks! I will post the video. I had people asking me if he was 8 or 9! No he just last week turned 5! He just has a mature look about his face, we get it all the time. Oh and he's really tall. The lion costume made him look little again, to me anyways. I just love him so very much, and couldn't imagine life without him. What a blessing we have. I'll post the pictures now and the video...enjoy! Well I tried to upload the video 3 times, and it wont work. I'm really mad now, because it is so dang cute, and now you all will miss it! I'll Keep trying, but here's some pictures for you all to see...........

I am so glad that I have my new computer, so I can enjoy blogging again. There is one thing that I would like to report that has changed. I'm sure you all read my post when I lost Grady, and it said my uterus was damaged and we have just gone through to much to put ourself's through another pregnancy. Well my uterus is damaged but time does help it, and of course we're giving it time. I have also prayed and prayed, and thought i wasn't getting answers from God, about what we should do. We both want a healthy baby more then anything and are heartbroken through everything we have endured. I told Rob there is just no way I can go through anything else like this, and he agreed but kept telling me he really wished we could try just one more time. So I went to my appointment to have my tubes tied and was getting ready to go under and everything. Something hit me and I told the doctor, I can't do this. I just couldn't do it. I had signed the papers and everything and was laying in the hospital bed, I know talk about waiting til the last minute. So I called Rob and told him I chose not to do it, he was so happy, it almost made me cry. I did have an IUD put in tho. These last for 5 years. I told Rob in 5 years if I still feel like we shouldn't have another baby then I'll get fixed. He says we are not waiting 5 years! lol......So right now we aren't trying and wont be for a very long time, but we will try again one day. Rob was telling me "Candice, God doesn't ever give us more then we can handle, so even if something horrible was to happen again, we could and would handle it." Now how true is that? I have had genetic testing done and everything is normal, so I'm not sure what the deal is. What people don't know is that I have also had 2 miscarriages. One before I had Ty, and one a year before I got pregnant with Jackson, then of course I had Jackson at full term, and he lived for 10 days, and then got pregnant with Grady and was almost 7 months, alot further along then we thought when I had him as a stillborn. That's alot of losses to have nothing wrong with us, if you ask me. I'm just so scared, and I would never have a baby knowing that we are causing something, because even if the baby were to survive i wouldn't want to put a child through suffering as Jackson had to go through. So we do have the ok to have another child and that the baby should be healthy. Really just worries me though. I can handle miscarriages just fine and even a stillborn (not that we dnt hurt from it) but another loss like Jackson just seems to hard to endure again.


We are doing a golf tournament in Dallas Texas in memory of Jackson, all proceeds go to the Parker Reese Foundation. PRF has been there for us, and they really do help so many, and I'm honored to be able to do this for them! It's called Round Fore Jackson.........If anybody would like to help or attend please send me an email and I can set it all up. We need 128 players! It will be held at Bear Creek Club in Dallas. We also need sponsor's, so anything you can do will help and be greatly appreciated. If you play in the tournament it's $100 per player, but this includes 2 full meals, cart and balls, 3 drink tickets, a Jackson t-shirt, and awards ceremony at the end. First place is cash money! If you dnt play and would like to come, The ceremony at the end is open to you along with a meal for 15 bucks! If you can't play or make it, then you can buy a Jackson shirt in honor of Jackson and to help keep Parker's doors open. Thank you for taking time to read my blog and for supporting us through everything.....

Candice Beal

Here are some more pics from the first week of school.

So, we are doing pretty good. We have learned to accept everything that happens to us as part of our life journey, and we are very happy with the life that God has given us. Yes there is sadness, and yes there is stuff that I believe just isn't fair, but I must know that there is a greater purpose.

Two weeks ago, Ty started PRE K. We have him in a private school for now, but when he starts kinder we will put him in public school. You just have to qualify for pre-k here, so we thought he needed the school and didn't qualify, so we put him in this school. He loves school! I"m so glad we made this decision, he is such a smart kid too :) He brings so much joy to our life's, and helps us get through all our hard times. Here are some pictures from the first day of school. Enjoy....

New pictures

Haven't posted in awhile, just thought I'd let you all know that we're doing good, and believing there is a reason for everything, and God has a plan.

Life

I dnt even know where to start. I went to the doctor Monday for my 5 month check up, and the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. So He quickly did a sono and the baby wouldn't move. He thought he might have a saw a very slow heartbeat but wasn't sure. He sent me to my specialist across town in Abilene. I had taken my little boy Ty to get to see his little brother on the screen that day. Ty just kept asking "whats wrong with the baby momma?" When the doctor walked out I cried and cried and cried! Not again! I called Rob and i think he was in shock when i told him. The doctor still hadn't confirmed that the baby was dead so I think Rob had a little hope and told me to hurry and get to the specialist. I knew the baby wasn't ok, i had seen many of sonograms before. Poor little Ty hated seeing his momma crying like i was. I tried so hard to be strong for him, but it was so terribly hard. Ty was telling me to suck it up that bad things happen and we have to be ok and not just be little babies...that kind of made me laugh during this unbelievably hard time. I drove to a target near by and sat in the parking lot waiting on Rob to get to Abilene, it's about an hour and 15 min drive from where we live. I called a few family members and had them pass on the awful news, then cried my eyes out for an hour. I knew i was going to be away from ty for a few days if i had to give birth, so i took him in target and got him a few toys. I told him what was happening and that we would be ok but it's going to be hard and that i loved him. Then he said the worst thing in the world to me. " Momma it's all my fault, i told God to give you a baby, and he did. I told him to give you a baby every night, it's all my fault that our baby died" What do you say to that?! I let him know that it wasn't his fault. It upset me so bad that God did this to us! Rob and i can handle this if we have to but not my baby boy! Why the hell was this happening? Ty didn't and doesn't understand why God couldn't heal any of our babies. So anyways Rob finally got there and we went to the specialist together. Doctor Maberry confirmed that the baby had died. We had to hold it together for Ty. Rob was holding ty in his lab as i was laying on the table. I cried a little but held it in pretty well. I think that was due to the fact i had already been crying for 2 hours. There were no defects of any kind and the baby looked good, his heart had just stopped. They couldn't tell us why or how. I need to make this a little shorter so ill skip alot....We went back to my doctors office and had a Japanese tee weed inserted in my uterus and were sent to the hotel with pain meds and sleeping pills. By 6 am the next morning i was in the hospital with my labor being induced. I didn't know what to expect. My dad had taken ty home with him. My contractions started hurting really fast! within like 30 Min's! I was trying to be strong and not tell anybody though. Just because i knew contractions dnt start hurting that early in labor. Come to find out whatever weed thing they gave me the night before brings hard contractions on very fast. after about 2 hours i asked for meds and they gave me some stuff that got me pretty dang high but it didn't help with the dang contractions! They kept asking me to get an epadoral but i didn't want one. I could tell the labor was going way to fast and i didn't want to deal with it. Rob went outside to smoke and i so bad wanted to tell him to stay in the room bc i knew the baby was coming, but then again i wasn't sure it was just to soon,8:15. As soon as he walked back into the room i was in some major pain and my water broke. My water has never broke on it's own, so i didn't know if i pissed myself or it was my water, but i yelled my water just broke go get the nurse. Our moms left the room and the nurse came in and said it's time. I was in so much pain i didn't realize how awful it was going to be. Doctor came in and i pushed for a min and the baby was born. the doctor was really just pulling him out and pushing on my stomach and that freaking hurt! Rob was holding my hand the whole time, while i was screaming and crying like a dang baby. I will say the part when the baby actually came out wasn't as painful as the normal but the pushing and contractions were just as painful. The baby came out in the sack and all! they cut the sack and let me hold him. It was very weird i didn't know how to act or feel. It was so sad though. I didn't even get a chance to know him or love him like i should. he had my feet and hands for sure! We named him Grady Robert Beal. Lots more to update but now I'm crying like a baby....pretty much i lost to much blood they took me in for surgery to stop everything and i got real bad after surgery and stayed in recovery for 6 hours. They say i could have died and i was on the edge of alot of things, but they sure didn't tell me that when i was in there! I guess they didn't want to scare me. I had to stay in the hospital for 2 days because of everything. We are heart broken. I mean it would be one thing if this had just happened, but we just went through losing a precsious baby boy 8 months ago. We had to watch him fight, suffer, and we grew to love him so much and then we lost him. So when we got pregnant this time by total surprise we were still grieving Jackson. I was scared to death and prayed for this new joy everyday! Everyone was so happy for us. I feared this pregnancy the whole time but deep down knew that he would be ok and i would have a healthy baby just like the doctors were saying. I had so many people tell me everything was going to be ok and that it's very rare that something was going to happen to this baby after losing Jackson. It's just so unfair, i just dnt understand God! I'm not doing very well this time and need plenty of prayers. although i dnt think prayers help. I prayed everyday and look what happened again!!!!! This is just so horrible and i dnt know how I'll get through it, but i have to for my child.........So much for a better journey on this new blog. All Rob and i want is a baby together but it's not going to happen. I'm getting my tubes tied May 11th.....we can't take anymore pain. we just can't. My uterus is also very damaged, so it would be hard to hold a baby the full nine months...........I feel like the world is just falling down on us and God hates me. I know he doesn't but really how much can a person take?.......