broken

My heart breaks tonight. I think I have cried 5 times, and in front of people. I never cry in front of people. I cant control it. I'm trying, but something inside of me is stronger then my will power to not cry.


Merry Christmas Candice Beal

Merry Christmas!

I want to wish you all a very merry Christmas. I love and cherish all of you and our special friendship, rather it be we are friends from long ago, just met or my very spacial blog friends, that i hold so dear. I mean after all, my blog friends aren't just my 'blog' friends. I have met many of you, and we hold a special bond that nobody will ever be able to understand. Our CDH babies :) I hate putting a lable on my Jackson like that, but hey it is what it is, and they are all so awesome! The ones on earth just as much as the ones that have passed and are now with their true maker. Our angels are going to be with the birthday boy himself, there is no better Christmas to have then that. I will be selfish and miss Jackson so terribly bad again this year, but I need to chin up and know hes in a much much better place.


Rob and I are having a couples Christmas party this year, and im really excited about it. I always have kid get togethers and fun activities but this year Im cooking Christmas dinner and serving wine and having games to follow with a great group of friends. It can be said that I love Christmas time more then any other season there is. Im about to go Christmas shopping one last time and then Ill be done with everything! I even love the shopping part of Christmas. Heck I even love our account getting smaller by the day. Ok I dnt love that part, but I love giving gifts so much.

Ty is already out for school for Christmas break and we are sitting here watching Christmas movies and drinking hot coco. He's in heaven. Im catching up on blogging and emails and doing laundry. I want to wish you all the very best Christmas ever! May the Lord be with all of your hearts during this hard time of year for a lot of us moms that have lost children.

p.s. Studdard family, I had some things ordered for your sweet twins and it was taking forever. So i drove up there yesterday to see what was taking so long, and the lady said what size again......errr! I was so mad!!!! SO now its going to have to be something totally different. Im so sad :( It was the best gift! I know Shawn would have loved them! Im going to try and see if anybody else can do it b4 Christmas. Again Im so sorry! Ive had their bows ready tho! I hope to see you all really soon. Im praying we get to go to dallas b4 the holidays are over again.


Candice Brooke Beal




Yes i cut my hair....this was takin at my Twins wedding last weekend. Such a pretty wedding!

I have Christmas cards made every year, except last year. It was just to hard to have a family picture made with out Jackson. This year we took some pictures and I am having the card made now. We did something really neat with them :) I was just thinking that I have grown close to so many of you parents with cdh babies, that I would love to send you a card. If you would like a Christmas card from the Beal's please just comment under here with your email address so i can email you and get your address to send it to. I know i got a few last year from some of yall, and we just love them! I'm trying to get a new email for stuff like this so thats why i'm just wanting all of yours so i can write you. I can't wait for yall to see them, I think they turned out great.

P.s I love this time of year!!!! and here is one picture that wont be on the card...

It's makes me so happy to get on my blogger and read all the good news of my cdh survivors. What precious babies yall have. I still pray for the parents that I kept up with that have lost their precious babies as well. I know how hard it is, just so hard, and breaks you right in half. I know you can be so happy at times, but still carry around the sadness, that will never leave and I pray for you all.


I threw a Halloween party for my little Ty 2 weekends ago, it was a blast! Everybody had so much fun. I can't wait till next year, it'll be even better. Ty was just in heaven with all the little things I bought for the kids and the creepy music i played during the party. I made ghost stew (chicken dumplings) for all the guest and that was a big hit as well. I wont post all the pictures, because there is just too many, but will post a few.....Rob, Ty, and I were vampires. It was pretty cute, although Ty is at the age i can't pick the cute costumes out anymore, so that's upsetting..lol. He wanted to be a vampire so Rob and I had to go with it and match. Maybe next year he'll let us do Narnia, hey one can hope :)


Enjoy the pictures!

depressed

I have everything I want, so why do I feel so empty? Oh, wait I remember.....and the pain lives on and on.........Am blessed with so much, and i know this, and have an awesome family. Tonight just seems too hard, it's because i'm letting myself think about my babies. See what I do is block it all out most of the time and just feel a little pain and empty, but then every few weeks it hits hard! I know so many people have it alot worse then I ever thought about having, but I still hurt, and it's deep.

Needed to blog for a minute, now i'll try to sleep. God bless you all, and I pray for all my families that I have followed through blogs. That will never change.

SORRY

Well I cant figure out whats wrong with my blog. Ive tried to fix it as well as others. I'm sorry all of your comments aren't showing. I"m really getting upset about it! I mean, I dnt blog to myself, I like to see that people are reading it. I'm going to have it looked at soon......can't Wait til this problem is fixed! Love you all, and thanks for the support you all give us......it really helps us.

Brownwood Reunion

Every year our home town has a reunion, with great concerts at night, and all kinds of stuff to do during the day. It's pretty cool. There is just so much to do, buy, and spend money on! It takes over our whole down town area. We just love going to this event every year. This year the theme was a circus, ya was a little different I thought. Rob and I went to one of the concerts last night, it was really good, country music. Today I took Ty Allan to do all the fun activities they offer, and we had a blast together, while daddy stayed home watching football and resting before yet another big sale at his dealership. He loves being the sales manager, but I hate the hours. Anyways Ty got to ride a pony, swim in a pool of corn, jump on huge jumpers and slides, pet and fed the animals, got to ride on the train, go to a christen concert, play with the clowns, watching the awesome dog show was a blast, and i could go on and on and on...lol. He also ate Snow cones, ice cream, cokes, and whatever other bad things there are for you. I bought a really pretty bracelet, that i might show you all, on here. I also had Ty's fall picture made by a lady that had a Boothe and some awesome decorations for fall in it. I'm excited about getting them back. The best part of the day for Ty and me, had to be when he was asked to join the circus! Yes he joined, lol. It was for kids and so cute. He was Ty the Lion, and he got to get on stage and show his tricks! I will post the video. I had people asking me if he was 8 or 9! No he just last week turned 5! He just has a mature look about his face, we get it all the time. Oh and he's really tall. The lion costume made him look little again, to me anyways. I just love him so very much, and couldn't imagine life without him. What a blessing we have. I'll post the pictures now and the video...enjoy! Well I tried to upload the video 3 times, and it wont work. I'm really mad now, because it is so dang cute, and now you all will miss it! I'll Keep trying, but here's some pictures for you all to see...........

I am so glad that I have my new computer, so I can enjoy blogging again. There is one thing that I would like to report that has changed. I'm sure you all read my post when I lost Grady, and it said my uterus was damaged and we have just gone through to much to put ourself's through another pregnancy. Well my uterus is damaged but time does help it, and of course we're giving it time. I have also prayed and prayed, and thought i wasn't getting answers from God, about what we should do. We both want a healthy baby more then anything and are heartbroken through everything we have endured. I told Rob there is just no way I can go through anything else like this, and he agreed but kept telling me he really wished we could try just one more time. So I went to my appointment to have my tubes tied and was getting ready to go under and everything. Something hit me and I told the doctor, I can't do this. I just couldn't do it. I had signed the papers and everything and was laying in the hospital bed, I know talk about waiting til the last minute. So I called Rob and told him I chose not to do it, he was so happy, it almost made me cry. I did have an IUD put in tho. These last for 5 years. I told Rob in 5 years if I still feel like we shouldn't have another baby then I'll get fixed. He says we are not waiting 5 years! lol......So right now we aren't trying and wont be for a very long time, but we will try again one day. Rob was telling me "Candice, God doesn't ever give us more then we can handle, so even if something horrible was to happen again, we could and would handle it." Now how true is that? I have had genetic testing done and everything is normal, so I'm not sure what the deal is. What people don't know is that I have also had 2 miscarriages. One before I had Ty, and one a year before I got pregnant with Jackson, then of course I had Jackson at full term, and he lived for 10 days, and then got pregnant with Grady and was almost 7 months, alot further along then we thought when I had him as a stillborn. That's alot of losses to have nothing wrong with us, if you ask me. I'm just so scared, and I would never have a baby knowing that we are causing something, because even if the baby were to survive i wouldn't want to put a child through suffering as Jackson had to go through. So we do have the ok to have another child and that the baby should be healthy. Really just worries me though. I can handle miscarriages just fine and even a stillborn (not that we dnt hurt from it) but another loss like Jackson just seems to hard to endure again.


We are doing a golf tournament in Dallas Texas in memory of Jackson, all proceeds go to the Parker Reese Foundation. PRF has been there for us, and they really do help so many, and I'm honored to be able to do this for them! It's called Round Fore Jackson.........If anybody would like to help or attend please send me an email and I can set it all up. We need 128 players! It will be held at Bear Creek Club in Dallas. We also need sponsor's, so anything you can do will help and be greatly appreciated. If you play in the tournament it's $100 per player, but this includes 2 full meals, cart and balls, 3 drink tickets, a Jackson t-shirt, and awards ceremony at the end. First place is cash money! If you dnt play and would like to come, The ceremony at the end is open to you along with a meal for 15 bucks! If you can't play or make it, then you can buy a Jackson shirt in honor of Jackson and to help keep Parker's doors open. Thank you for taking time to read my blog and for supporting us through everything.....

Candice Beal

Here are some more pics from the first week of school.

So, we are doing pretty good. We have learned to accept everything that happens to us as part of our life journey, and we are very happy with the life that God has given us. Yes there is sadness, and yes there is stuff that I believe just isn't fair, but I must know that there is a greater purpose.

Two weeks ago, Ty started PRE K. We have him in a private school for now, but when he starts kinder we will put him in public school. You just have to qualify for pre-k here, so we thought he needed the school and didn't qualify, so we put him in this school. He loves school! I"m so glad we made this decision, he is such a smart kid too :) He brings so much joy to our life's, and helps us get through all our hard times. Here are some pictures from the first day of school. Enjoy....

New pictures

Haven't posted in awhile, just thought I'd let you all know that we're doing good, and believing there is a reason for everything, and God has a plan.

Life

I dnt even know where to start. I went to the doctor Monday for my 5 month check up, and the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. So He quickly did a sono and the baby wouldn't move. He thought he might have a saw a very slow heartbeat but wasn't sure. He sent me to my specialist across town in Abilene. I had taken my little boy Ty to get to see his little brother on the screen that day. Ty just kept asking "whats wrong with the baby momma?" When the doctor walked out I cried and cried and cried! Not again! I called Rob and i think he was in shock when i told him. The doctor still hadn't confirmed that the baby was dead so I think Rob had a little hope and told me to hurry and get to the specialist. I knew the baby wasn't ok, i had seen many of sonograms before. Poor little Ty hated seeing his momma crying like i was. I tried so hard to be strong for him, but it was so terribly hard. Ty was telling me to suck it up that bad things happen and we have to be ok and not just be little babies...that kind of made me laugh during this unbelievably hard time. I drove to a target near by and sat in the parking lot waiting on Rob to get to Abilene, it's about an hour and 15 min drive from where we live. I called a few family members and had them pass on the awful news, then cried my eyes out for an hour. I knew i was going to be away from ty for a few days if i had to give birth, so i took him in target and got him a few toys. I told him what was happening and that we would be ok but it's going to be hard and that i loved him. Then he said the worst thing in the world to me. " Momma it's all my fault, i told God to give you a baby, and he did. I told him to give you a baby every night, it's all my fault that our baby died" What do you say to that?! I let him know that it wasn't his fault. It upset me so bad that God did this to us! Rob and i can handle this if we have to but not my baby boy! Why the hell was this happening? Ty didn't and doesn't understand why God couldn't heal any of our babies. So anyways Rob finally got there and we went to the specialist together. Doctor Maberry confirmed that the baby had died. We had to hold it together for Ty. Rob was holding ty in his lab as i was laying on the table. I cried a little but held it in pretty well. I think that was due to the fact i had already been crying for 2 hours. There were no defects of any kind and the baby looked good, his heart had just stopped. They couldn't tell us why or how. I need to make this a little shorter so ill skip alot....We went back to my doctors office and had a Japanese tee weed inserted in my uterus and were sent to the hotel with pain meds and sleeping pills. By 6 am the next morning i was in the hospital with my labor being induced. I didn't know what to expect. My dad had taken ty home with him. My contractions started hurting really fast! within like 30 Min's! I was trying to be strong and not tell anybody though. Just because i knew contractions dnt start hurting that early in labor. Come to find out whatever weed thing they gave me the night before brings hard contractions on very fast. after about 2 hours i asked for meds and they gave me some stuff that got me pretty dang high but it didn't help with the dang contractions! They kept asking me to get an epadoral but i didn't want one. I could tell the labor was going way to fast and i didn't want to deal with it. Rob went outside to smoke and i so bad wanted to tell him to stay in the room bc i knew the baby was coming, but then again i wasn't sure it was just to soon,8:15. As soon as he walked back into the room i was in some major pain and my water broke. My water has never broke on it's own, so i didn't know if i pissed myself or it was my water, but i yelled my water just broke go get the nurse. Our moms left the room and the nurse came in and said it's time. I was in so much pain i didn't realize how awful it was going to be. Doctor came in and i pushed for a min and the baby was born. the doctor was really just pulling him out and pushing on my stomach and that freaking hurt! Rob was holding my hand the whole time, while i was screaming and crying like a dang baby. I will say the part when the baby actually came out wasn't as painful as the normal but the pushing and contractions were just as painful. The baby came out in the sack and all! they cut the sack and let me hold him. It was very weird i didn't know how to act or feel. It was so sad though. I didn't even get a chance to know him or love him like i should. he had my feet and hands for sure! We named him Grady Robert Beal. Lots more to update but now I'm crying like a baby....pretty much i lost to much blood they took me in for surgery to stop everything and i got real bad after surgery and stayed in recovery for 6 hours. They say i could have died and i was on the edge of alot of things, but they sure didn't tell me that when i was in there! I guess they didn't want to scare me. I had to stay in the hospital for 2 days because of everything. We are heart broken. I mean it would be one thing if this had just happened, but we just went through losing a precsious baby boy 8 months ago. We had to watch him fight, suffer, and we grew to love him so much and then we lost him. So when we got pregnant this time by total surprise we were still grieving Jackson. I was scared to death and prayed for this new joy everyday! Everyone was so happy for us. I feared this pregnancy the whole time but deep down knew that he would be ok and i would have a healthy baby just like the doctors were saying. I had so many people tell me everything was going to be ok and that it's very rare that something was going to happen to this baby after losing Jackson. It's just so unfair, i just dnt understand God! I'm not doing very well this time and need plenty of prayers. although i dnt think prayers help. I prayed everyday and look what happened again!!!!! This is just so horrible and i dnt know how I'll get through it, but i have to for my child.........So much for a better journey on this new blog. All Rob and i want is a baby together but it's not going to happen. I'm getting my tubes tied May 11th.....we can't take anymore pain. we just can't. My uterus is also very damaged, so it would be hard to hold a baby the full nine months...........I feel like the world is just falling down on us and God hates me. I know he doesn't but really how much can a person take?.......

New news! and lots of post!

So I've decided to start a new blog. My other blog was just suppose to be for Jackson and his journey, and of course cdh. I started posting other things about our family on there, because many people that i met through Jacksons journey wanted to keep up with us....then i started thinking, when new cdh parents go looking for blogs and research they would have to go through all of my many post before they get to the cdh part of the blog, and the blog was meant for CDH, so that's why my new blog will be here.....The crazy Life of the Beal's, Our Life through love and loss. I'm so excited to report all of our new news! First off, We're finally married!.....We are very happy together, and are proud to announce that we are expecting a new little baby!!!!! It was definitely a shock to us both. We were going to start trying in June after our wedding, but then i started to get dizzy and a few other things, so i finally went and got a test, and right away it had 2 lines.........It's very bittersweet to me. It's so soon after Jackson and we still have so much pain to deal with every single day, and it makes me so sad to think that Jackson had to start out so sick and fight so hard, why couldn't he have it easy? I miss Jackson more then i could or would ever think possible. I think God for this new gift that he has given us, but will admit i think his timing is extremely crazy! So there it is, that's the news. I hope everybody has a wonderful day, and I'll keep you all posted :)


p.s. I forgot to tell you all we decided to go ahead and get married rather then wait till June to have the wedding, because I'll be big pregnant then.....



So I've known i was pregnant for 2 weeks now. I still have no idea how far along i am or if it's more then one...lol. It better not be! We're trying to get the insurance thing together........takes forever! I think i'm going to go to the doctor in March. Rob wants me to go before then, so i might just for him. At the first of your pregnancy if something is wrong or going to go wrong theres nothing they can do, so i see no point in going until i'm 3 months....I'm scared to death though! We are going to have to go to a high risk doctor for the first 5 months of my pregnancy. Then after that if all is well i'll stay with my normal OBGYN. I will see both of them for the time being. I am waiting to tell everybody that i'm pregnant until I go to the doctor. It's freakin killing me! This one post is probably going to be really long because i'm using it as my pregnancy diary until i tell everybody....I already get sick in the evenings, no fun. I did the same thing with Jackson. I'm also thinking i'll start showing really soon with this one. Just because i got pregnant 4 1/2 months after i had Jackson......i hear that soon after a csection your uterus still isn't back to normal...it takes 6 months after a csection, and now it's having to grow again! So not looking forward to showing early at all! I've been getting really down lately, and Rob just lets me know everything happens for a reason and God is good. I really wasn't expecting for this to happen so soon. Well can't wait to post all of this...bye bye :)


So here's another post...I had to go to a place here in town just to make sure i was really pregnant. So i went a few days ago and they tell me that i'm already 2 months and am due September 13th! Wow, i thought i might be one month. I'm doing really good and to tell you the truth i'm surprised that i'm not showing yet...i know i'm only 2 months but like i said b4 i should start showing early.....i showed at 4 months with ty and 5 months with Jackson......What really sucks is that if i am 2 months preg then i got pregnant less then 4 motnhs after i had Jackson! It's almost been 6 months since i had him. Anyways i had about 10 more pounds to lose to be back to my normal size and then bam i'm pregnant! Although i wasn't trying to lose weight because i dnt diet or exercise, the last few pounds were just falling off.....i guess i just got lucky after J or god knows it depresses me to be fat and helped me out a little in that area..lol...I gained 70 pounds with ty and about 60 or more with Jackson.....ya i get big! I just can't wait to tell everybody that i'm pregnant! I still haven't told my doctor! He will be mad because i got pregnant well before 6 months had passed, but that wasn't our plan. (it was robs)I am taking my baby vitimins so no worries there......maybe next time i get on here to update i'll go ahead and tell everybody and give you all the blog to follow :)


SO here I am again with a new post and i've still just told a few people that i'm pregnant. Tonight i'm feeling really down, i guess because I just got through reading a fellow bloggers post and it brought back the day i had to leave jackson in the hospital and go home without my baby boy. We watched Jackson fight so hard, and love us with his sweet eyes, and hold our hands, and then he died, and we had to leave him there all alone, and we knew that we would never get to hold him again. It was so hard knowing that they were going to take Jackson to the morgue and leave him there all night in the cold and nobody holding him or loving him. I knew he was with God but still i didn't like the thought. It was so hard to watch him die and hold him in my arms as he tried to breath for the last 10 mins of his life. He got the hiccups for a few mins, and that about killed me to watch. I just held him really tight, as tight as i could until they passed. I knew the hiccups were him trying to breathe and it just gave me so much pain to watch and feel....My heart just goes out to the CDH parents and babies that are going to have to go down the same road we did, the pain is like no other and i really dnt think it's fair that God has given it to us or for that matter any of these poor babies. I know my relationship with God has alot of growing to do, but i still believe he has a plan for us and all this pain is meant for something. Now back to a happier note, we are getting so excited about our new baby! I hope to go to the doctor soon. Still taking my pills even though they make me so very sick. Even though we have suffered such a great loss, we still are so blessed. I'm so thankful for the days i did have jackson and for all the love that Rob and Ty give me daily, and for this new bundle of joy.



So I'm showing! I knew I would! I'm 14 weeks pregnant now. The first 2 months of this pregnancy were difficult for me, just because i thought of Jackson the whole time and it made me sad. I've passed that point and am now just happy that i have another baby to love. This baby will in no way replace Jackson or the pain, but it will let us have more love in our hearts, and we need that. I went to the doctor monday and then went to my specialist right afterwards. My doctor did a sono and said as far as he could tell everything looked great, but i dnt trust his machines this early on. So i didn't get my hopes up as i walked into Doctor Maberry's office. I was scared to death the whole time. It was awful! Anyways Dr. Maberry started my sonogram and did it forever! I kept asking "do you see something wrong?" He kept telling me NO just doing all measurements and checking everything out....So finally he said this baby has no defects, no cdh, and a great little heart beating at 140. I was so happy! Dr. Maberry is sooo good at what he does and also a very nice man. I just love him! He was the doctor I went to that confirmed Jacksons CDH. Even with that awful news he gave us, i really liked him. Then he asked me if i wanted to know what we were having and with tears in my eyes i said yes. A BOY! OMG, I dnt know how to make little baby girls! My third baby boy :) I know people say this all the time, but i mean it! I didn't care what I was having as long as it was healthy. He did say he wanted to see me back in 4 weeks to make sure it was a boy just because i found out a month before people usually do. He's 99% sure, and he's never been wrong so he says, but we were looking from the back end and sometimes girls little things are swollen....So maybe my girl has a swollen tt...lol. 99% pretty much means that it's a boy though....We are so happy! Thank you all for following along in all of our journeys, and may this journey have a happy ending.